The Stars and the Cookie Jar

Yay, New York. Idon'tknow. Not that. Don't take dictation. Okay.

Um.

So, we left the house, and the car tried to kill me because I have no arm. No, it's not like that, only I couldn't get out. And then we got on a train in New Jersey, and then we were under the World Trade Center, or something, and I got a case of the screaming heebie jeebies, and the hair on the back of my neck went up, and I was like, "I am in New York. Why am I in New York?" And then [cough cough] we went to a street fair, and there was tchotchkies and chinese hats with ready-made pigtails on them and scarves and Buddhas and sunglasses and greasy food. Uh... And then there was falafel, and the falafel was very good, and I would have chicken kabob, but it kind of scared me. And then there was a purportedly chicken corndog, and these corndog things are dubiously enjoyable, because they're sweet, and then they're corndog. You know, hotdog. And then there were fries, which is like grease, with crunchy potato essence in the grease. And then we leaned on a wall, and I thought, "I'm in New York, 'cause there's NYU. That means I'm in New York." We went looking for a Starbucks. We found three. We went to a La Marzocco Starbucks, thank God. And the barrista/shift supervisor was really competent, except her milk practices were Oh So Shady. So glad I got an iced drink. We had cake. We didn't really need cake, but it was chocolate. We went to bookstores. There was no HD. V. disappointing, because I wanted to read my girlfriend "Helen in Egypt." We got books instead, that were not poetry. And I put down a perfectly good Paul Celan with translations on facing pages, and I put down the Lodz Ghetto Album, because I am virtuous, OMG So Out of Print. And then there was another bookstore. And I was hot. [note: Yes. Yes, she was. *g*] And we looked at literature. And we exercised our civil rights and picked up a wedding planner. And there was giant peach. Um. We sat there and looked at a LOT of wedding planners. All the time, I was thinking, "It's nice that we can spend time together as civilized people." And then what did we do?

[note: We went back to the street fair]

We did! We did go back to the street fair! And we wandered slowly downward, and we got funnel cake. And funnel cake is like a squiggly dough boy, with tons more sugar. And we sat in the hollow of the Tisch building and ate funnel cake and it was really romantic, in that hot grease kind of way. [note: I hate her space bar] It is evil.

No! No, they'll think the funnel cake is evil, and it's not! I like the funnel cake.

Then we found the train. I trotted obediently after. I love you, typo. [laugh laugh] Um. Couldn't find a shaytel macher to save my life. Wutafuh, New York City? Then I remembered it was Shabbes. That is also why we saw no Jews. Yay, no Jews. But we saw a Jew, but that was later. So, we found the train, and we went to the World Trade Center again, So Creepy. And I said Kaddish from my little machzor, which was probably mortifying for those around me, but it was not a loud Kaddish. Baruch Dayan ha-emes. Yeah, no. [note: we pause for Manicotti.]

Ohhhuh. Food was good. I sleep now. No, wait...

Um, oh, right. My brain has blocked it out. But it was funny. There were these... people. And it was a boy and a girl. And they were, like, they came into the subway car, or train car, and they stood in the corner, and they were doing stuff. There was thrusting and belt buckles. And they had a guy outside the car standing guard. It was like Yichud, only without the locked door, the private room, and the marriage, presumably. And they were, you know... doing that on a train. And I had to look away, but I saw lots of thrusting, and there was some noise, and then I smelled... nevermind. And then I cracked up, and then my girlfriend sort of cracked up, and then we turned funny colors, because we do some PDA, but not sex. There will never be sex. I mean, not on a train. And then we stumbled off the train - well, I stumbled, because I was, like, cracking up. Because my shame was mighty enough for both of them. Oh, shame. Because there was thrusting. And all I could keep saying or thinking was... "In a TRAIN!" And, yeah. And we came down those nice user-friendly metal steps. And there was a Yemenite Chasid. A total black hatter. I spend a day in New York, and the only black hatter I see is in Butt Fuck, New Jersey. And he has his little plastic hard case full of diamonds, and he asked us for help because... I don't know. I can tell by looking, maybe he can tell by looking. And he holds out this fifty dollar bill. And he says, "Look what fifty cents can get you," because he wants to get home, because he's carrying, like, a quarter mil. And my very nice girlfriend, who can't exactly change a fifty, she gets to him first, and rummages for change, and there is no change, and he's, like, fretting. And then I saw the bottom of his Kippah, and it was all sweaty, and I thought, the poor dude just wants to get home, but at the same time, I was disgusted in the usual way, because, yeah, just throwing fifty dollars around like that. So, we both went at the same time to give him my metro card, and Cole says, "Here, take this," and he says, "Why?" Which is just like a Chasidic Man. And there followed a touching moment of good citizenship. And I said, "Good Yom Tov" and that was all, really. I thought it was so cute. She probably touched his hand and gave him a stiffy.

So, anyway, that was New York. It was fun. I had a good time. My girlfriend was a very calming influence. Her ring is very shiny. Soon there will be an icon with it. ICON ICON ICON. Bahaha. The end.


ETA: I'm not drunk! This is the speed my brain thinks at in English. And Cole was taking dictation, 'cause I am wiped. Yay.