The Stars and the Cookie Jar

Instead of just mocking Troy, we have decided to be proactive.

Buckle up.

The Iliad

Directed by Peter Jackson

Adapted by the House Classicist (we were going to have it adapted by the House Atreus, but the phone just kept ringing and ringing and then we got the machine... 'Hi! This is the King of Kings. I'm in the bath right now...")

Starring

• Viggo Mortensen as Akhilles
• Orlando Bloom as Patroklos
• Sean Bean as Odysseus
• David Wenham as Menelaos
• Rebecca Romijn as Helen
• Colin Farrell as Paris
• Eric Bana as Hector
• Tilda Swinton as Andromache
• Brian Blessed as Priam
• Stockard Channing as Hekabe
• Mischa Barton as Briseis
• Anna Paquin as Kassandra
• Alan Rickman as Hephaistos
• Hugo Weaving as Hades
• Kenneth Branagh as Ares
• Dougray Scott as Poseidon
• Paul Bettany as Apollo
• Lindsay Lohan as Artemis
• Hilary Swank as Athene
• Dame Judi Dench as Hera

Still searching for Zeus (and his son Sarpedon), Aphrodite (and her son Aeneas), Little Aiax, Bigger Aiax, and half-a-dozen Myrmidons, not to mention Agamemnon, Lord of Men; Thetis, Akhilles' mommy; and Astyanax.

Chime in!

With thanks for the pleasant, dignity-assuaging hour to The Classicist. (You only need one, really, but you're best off according them the honor of caps... They bite.)